What I'd give...

I'm emotionally torn right now. I've been seeing an amazing guy for months, and I'm trying *not* to fall in love. We're not exclusive. He doesn't want to be. He's not ready to be. I would prefer to give it a try, but given the choice of being with him and not being exclusive versus not being with him at all, I choose being with him - and whatever open relationship that might bring. I enjoy his company too much to let it go. See... he's younger than I am, and spent a lot of years in a relationship, and is only semi-recently out of that relationship. He wants to know how it feels to be "single" -which, thus far, that means that he can meet other people out at bars and give them his number if he wants to. Whether or not he acts on it is yet to be determined. The fact of the matter is I might love him. It's funny - you can't really be IN love with someone unless they are loving you back, right? Like, you can't be IN a relationship with someone unless they consider that you are in a relationship as well. Being "in" something with someone requires reciprocation... so there's no way I'm "in" love with this Prince Charming... I won't allow myself to be in love with him. I'll use every other word in the dictionary to define what I feel for him... lately those words include "infatuated" and "enamored" with him... I adore him. I think he's handsome, sexy as hell, SMART - so smart and witty, and god help me he's got a perfect smile and gorgeous eyes. And yet I don't feel vulnerable. I don't feel as though I'm walking the plank, destined for a cold, wet grave. I'm hopeful. I don't see a single reason why he and I shouldn't give it a try. Hopefully, we'll give it that chance. Meanwhile, this Sugarland song... "What I'd Give..." just kills me. The first time I heard it I thought the story was sung by a pathetic character... "what I'd give to make you coffee..." REALLY? Why was she desperate to take care of this other person? Then when I got THERE; when I was in THAT place, I finally realized the meaning of the song. I want to not only care for him but take care OF him, and know him THAT well... I want the chance to know him that well, and for him to know those little things about me... Oh, what I'd give...

Gone to the dogs...

Because I clearly don't think I have "enough" to keep my life busy - or, busy enough to be considered acceptable by my own standards - I'm getting a dog. I've wanted a dog for almost two years. I lived with one dog - my exes dog, Caspian - and she was simply incredible. We dog-sat for other dogs - for family and friends - and while those dogs weren't as incredible as Caspian, they were all sweet, loyal, and loving creatures. When my relationship ended and I found myself alone - trying to figure out my purpose, my direction, what to DO with myself to keep BUSY - I thought I wanted a dog. Never one to make a rash, under-analyzed decision, I started volunteering at the local animal shelter to be sure I REALLY wanted a dog. I quickly met a pit bull that I found irresistible - until I realized she had "aggressive play" behavior and I decided I wasn't equipped to handle that. (side note - when I was a kid I was full-on intimidated by dogs; a near panic attack set in when I was told my "prop" for my recitation of "My Dog is a Plumber" in the 5th grade production of "Free to Be, You and Me" was a classmates dog. I can still remember it to this day - walking on the stage, telling the dog five times, in my meek little voice, to SIT! He didn't sit, of course...until he felt like it. The audience laughed and the big yellow dog stole the show, putting an early end to my on-stage career). Back on track - I'm volunteering at the shelter and keeping an eye out for "my" dog. I was interested in a few dogs that came and went, as I wasn't ready to take one home - for myriad reasons - until last December. I was finally ready to open my heart emotionally to a pet. Ready to be vulnerable to a creature that would surely love me unconditionally, and that I would surely outlive. Again, it was too late - the dog I wanted to care for, and provide a happy life for, was adopted by someone else by the time I decided to pull the trigger. So when I met "Panda" on a volunteer PACK run last weekend, I didn't hesitate. Friendly with people AND other animals, I loved spending the morning with her. She was running alongside another dog in the PACK run and kept pulling over to lick his face! Then she was licking ANOTHER dogs' face, and I thought, "This friendly, outgoing pup likes to kiss all of the boys! That's my kind of girl!" As soon as I brought her back to the shelter I filled out the application to adopt her. Within an hour it was a done deal. She would have her spay surgery on Tuesday, and come home with me on Thursday. In the past four days I've been preparing to welcome her in to my home. I've de-cluttered my apartment with a sense of purpose I've never had before. Instead of simply culling my "possessions", I was making room for someone in my life and in my apartment; making room for her things, her food; space for her to live. I bought her an array of toys - stuff she can chew, so that hopefully she won't chew my things! I stressed over what Milk Bones to buy for her. She's less than a year old, so she should get the "puppy" Milk Bones ... but she's over 40 pounds, so should she get the Milk Bones for dogs over 40 pounds?? Does weight supersede age, where Milk Bones are concerned??? I walked out of PetSmart, figuring I would just go back another time. Don't even get me started on what kind of food I'm going to feed her - I haven't figured that out yet either! (the shelter will send me home with some, and I'll go from there). I started to think that this must be what expectant parents go through. What kind of crib do you buy for your child? Will you breast feed or use formula, or both? Is it necessary to spend a small fortune on organic food for your child/pet - will it really make an impact on their health? The night before my pup moves in I'm sitting here, much like an expectant parent, thinking that I haven't gotten enough sleep in the past few days to prepare me for the schedule change I'm about to experience, and the sleep I'm about to lose worrying about her during the night. And it's the last night that I'm going to be alone in my apartment. The last night that I can go out - stay out? - without having to get home to take care of my pet. I've been married. I wasn't NEARLY as nervous to get married as I am to get a dog. Marriage! A lifetime commitment. Having a dog is a lifetime commitment but only for the duration of a dog's lifetime - about 10-12 years. She's going to depend on me to feed her, exercise her, socialize her, and teach her. And one day she will likely depend on me to make a difficult decision that I don't care to think about right now. She's my responsibility. The first time I've ever been responsible for a life other than my own. It's intense, and it's going to be awesome - and I'll let you know how it goes along the way. PS. FWIW, don't WORRY about me - I'm anxious but excited. And while I'm drawing some parallels between getting a dog and having a child, I realize bringing a life into the world is different than adopting a pet...

It's all in the cards...

I consider myself a pretty low-maintenance, easy to please kind of girl. Jeans and t-shirts, baseball and beer... though I know how to enjoy getting dressed up, going to a nice dinner and enjoying nice wine, I'm happiest without all of the pretense. And I LOVE getting MAIL. Postcards from friends on vacation (or not on vacation!) and holiday cards make me happier than anything. I blame my grandparents who, until they passed away, sent me cards for EVERY occasion - birthdays, Christmas, Easter, Halloween and Thanksgiving. They lived far away, so I didn't get to see them very often - it was their way of letting me know they were thinking about me. And my Great-Aunt, who always sent me postcards on her vacations to tell me she wished I was there to enjoy it with her.

So today, while everyone is complaining that Valentine's Day is a "Hallmark Holiday" - along with Mother's Day and Father's Day - I have a hard time blaming Hallmark and $3 greeting cards for the holiday spending getting out of control. With consumers this year expected to spend almost $18 billion on the "Hallmark" holiday, most of that money will be spent on flowers and jewelry - according to a survey by the National Retail Federation. The survey shows that 36% will buy flowers, just over 35% will treat someone to a night out, and almost 19% will buy jewelry.

So why do we call this a Hallmark holiday when maybe we should be calling it a Pro-Flowers holiday, or a Jared holiday? And if it IS a Hallmark holiday, then why aren't more people buying cards?

I'm part of a counseling group that consists of five people - four men (one is the counselor) and myself as the lone female in the group. When asked if they were going to buy their wife/girlfriend a card on Valentine's Day, two of the men shrugged and said, "I guess..." while one of the men said, "I already did." One of the men who said "I guess so" pointed out that it's really an easy thing to get - drug stores and grocery stores all sell cards, and they're all open 24/7.

One man complained about the work that goes in to choosing a card. Fellas, the fact of the matter is there are three kinds of Valentine's Day cards that you can get for your woman: sappy, funny, or sexy/suggestive. That's it. They all fall in to one of those categories. And the fact is, you should know your woman well enough to know what kind of card she will appreciate!

I think the hardest thing about greeting cards for men is feeling the need to write a personal message. This hit home for me when I broke up with my ex and went through and looked at all of the cards he had gotten me... they all said, "I love you more every day." When I realized the message had been recycled so many times (with occasional variation: "I love you - more and more every day!") it made sense to me why the relationship didn't last. He was on auto-pilot.

So I say - go forth! Support Hallmark and the US Postal Service! Show your significant other, and even your friends, that you love them, care about them, and you're thinking about them on Valentine's Day - and every day!

What would you say?

So I received a rather unwelcome email last week. My ex-husband sent me an email after no contact for four months. He's not just my ex-husband, he's my "I think we'd be better off if we weren't together and I came to this conclusion six months after we got married" ex-husband. He's the guy I stuck with through over a year of unemployment and a DUI ex-husband. He's the guy who bailed on me and our marriage, possibly over a relationship with his best friends wife.

Yeah.

So this was the email:

"I wanted to wish you a happy birthday, which I know isn't until monday, but I didn't want to spoil your fun with any negative emotions. I hope you are doing well and you have something fun planned to celebrate. Take care."

There are about a million things wrong with this short email - first being, if you think your message to someone will bring up negative emotions, why are you sending it? Second, you're a little hung up on yourself, aren't you, to say something like that. Third, WHY DID YOU WRITE TO ME? A few songs come to mind when I think of him... "Whataya want from me?" by Adam Lambert, for one. The other would be "I am trying to break your heart" by Wilco.

"What was I thinking when I let you back in?"
"It messed me up, need a second to breathe...What do you want from me?"
"I am trying to break your heart. I am trying to break your heart."

I don't need to reply to this email - there was no question asked, nothing to answer, no conversation started. I could just say, "Thank you" or a simpler, "Thanks", but that would imply that I appreciate the email, which I most certainly do not. So what would you say?

I could say that when I see couples at the grocery store/concerts/baseball games I still sometimes wonder why he couldn't be happy with me. I could say that he was right - we are better off without each other; or, at least, I'm better off without him. I could ask him how he's doing, because sometimes I wonder. I could ask him how his parents are doing, because I wonder that, too. I could tell him I'm loving my life and glad that he's not around to bring me down anymore, and I could tell him that I still miss him - the "him" when he was sweet and cute and loving to me. Or I could tell him to f*ck off and leave me alone. But most of all, what I really want to say, is "why don't you just leave me alone? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?"

Lucky Season #13

As summer comes to a close, baseball turns to talk of "magic numbers" and football gets underway, it's time for another season of my guilty pleasure, Dancing with the Stars. Twice a year ABC puts C- and D-list celebrities through the 12-week challenge of learning ballroom dancing live on TV. Cheesy jokes from host Tom Bergeron, bickering between judges Bruno Tonioli and Len Goodman, tight pants and sequins are all to be expected. And as usual, I'm underwhelmed with the announcement of the new cast.

The cast is a typical representation of what we see every season: a once-successfull movie star (David Arquete), a one-hit-wonder musician (Chynna Phillips), athletes (Ron Artest and Hope Solo), reality TV celebrities (Kristin Cavallari and Rob Kardashian), a talk show host (Ricki Lake), and a model and former girlfriend of a big-time celebrity (for season 13, playing the role of Heather Mills McCartney, ladies and gentlemen, Elisabetta Cannalis!)

Rounding out the cast for lucky Season 13 are TV personality Nancy Grace, celebrity stylist Carson Kressley, and Iraq War veteran/motivational speaker/actor J.R. Martinez. The member of the cast who doesn't fit the mold of past Dancing "celebs" is Chaz Bono - the transgender daughter of Cher and the late Sonny Bono.

I have to say, I'm not excited about any of them. But based on my own past experiences with the show, my feelings will change, and after a few weeks I'll be excited about someone, surprised by someone else's abilities, and angry that someone undeserving is still on the show in week six, no thanks to their dancing ability.

Will Elisabetta be able to hold her own on the dance floor? Will Nancy Grace drop 20 pounds? Does Rob Kardashian have rhythm? Which celebrity causes the most drama, a la Kate Gosslein? Will the super-sexy Maxim Chmerkovskiy make it to the finals? (please, God, give me 12 weeks of Maks)

The biggest question? Which Dancing pro gets partnered with Chaz?

Red Car Woman

This blog has been a long time coming. Family and friends have encouraged me to write, and I've wanted to for a long time. The biggest hold up has always been: what do I name my blog?

A name is important. Parents look through books to figure out what to name their children; they keep it a secret, lest someone judge the name they've decided to give their child, or worse - steal the name! Some people don't believe in naming a baby until they see it for the first time. No offense, but most babies just look like...babies. I really don't think any baby "looks" like a Billy or Sarah. A name can brand a child for life. Will they be teased for their name? Does their name command respect? Will they be one of five kids in their grade with the same name?

Bands have names. Some try to be creative, while others don't even bother. Dave Matthews tells his audience on "Live at Luther College" that the song #41 was named as such because it's the 41st song they wrote. "Really original, kind of like 'The Dave Matthews Band'", he jokes. Other bands, like "Better Than Ezra" told 'New Orleans Living' magazine that they don't tell anybody where their bands name came from, "It's our only gimmick."

So what the heck was I going to name my blog? What would my blog be about? How would the name of my blog define my blog? I remembered an encounter with a colleague one day. I was leaving the parking garage in my red Chevy, and my co-worker said, "You ARE a red car woman, aren't you?" I stopped for a second and thought, "yeah, I am." I am a woman who loves living life - and I think that's what a "red car woman" is.

This Red Car Woman loves music, travel, baseball, football, reading, good times with friends, some TV guilty pleasures... she loves food, wine and beer. This Red Car Woman likes yoga, cycling, and running - not as an obsession, but to be healthy (and to let her enjoy the food, wine and beer that she loves!)

I want to be free to write about whatever I want to write about: music, sports, food, travel... LIFE. Tied down to one idea? Never - not me, and not my blog.

PS. I'm not sure who I'm writing this for... I'm not ready to promote this blog, so if you're reading this, you probably stumbled upon it at random. Or you're one of a few friends that I've considered telling about it. And, speaking of names - I need to give a shout to Garrett Dutton, who's stage name was the inspiration for my nickname, and my blogger nom de plume.